by Johana Htwe

Just a few days ago, I found myself in the shoes of the older brother from a famous parable called “The Prodigal Son”. The older brother was unhappy and complained when he saw that his father was showering his love for his younger brother, whom he considered a sinner. For the first time in my life, I could sympathize with him when I found myself in the similar situation like him.

I was jobless and had no chance to continue my education, even though I did try so hard. I was complaining to God just as the older brother did when I saw people around me having fun, even though they didn’t even work that hard, at least in my opinion, to please God. I thought I was obedient, worked hard, and did good in everything to the point that I felt pain deep inside. I asked, “Why then did God not grant me this one single wish and instead, decided to give it to others?”

I saw my friends enjoying their life, getting paid higher, and living my dream life. I said, “They hurt my feelings more than once. They are bad people! How come they are so blessed?” Even after reading the last part of the parable where the father said to the older brother “Everything I have is yours”, I wasn’t convinced. I kept asking, “Why? Why not me, God? Why didn’t you see that I worked so hard?”

Other than the older brother from the parable, my state reminded me of some acquaintances who were so thankful if I did according to their ways but became completely different ones if I couldn’t give what they wanted. I had become someone I despised so much toward God, which made me sort of hate myself. I couldn’t control my emotions, which were quite hazardous.

I was feeling depressed, scared, and worried. Thinking that God had forsaken me, I constantly asked God to love and care for me. I was like, “At least, give me jobs if you still love me,” Again, this reminded me that I had become like those Pharisees who were asking for heavenly signs from Jesus Christ despite having seen miracles Jesus had done in the crowd. I was well aware of all the miraculous achievements I had before and I shouldn’t have doubted, but I was blinded by the current hardships.

For a moment, I said that I should count my blessings. But then again, I was thinking, “Why is this happening to me while everyone is having fun?” I could feel myself in between comforting myself by reminiscing about what God had done for me and begging—also complaining—God to give me my wish right away. It was quite a headache. It did feel like both my brain and heart were squeezed inside from all the crying and thinking.

On top of everything, I couldn’t contain my jealousy anymore when I see others’ social media posts of their success. Truth be told, I was more jealous of God’s generosity toward others. I wanted that type of blessings, love and mercy of God all to myself. I didn’t want others to be blessed by God, which, I knew, wasn’t right and was selfish. And again, that made me sad and guilty.

My emotions born from my wandering thoughts were killing me. In the end, instead of praying for my ambitions, I had to pray, “God, I don’t even know what I should pray for or do anymore.” I asked God to calm my mind first. That was the first and foremost right thing I did out of everything.

I found out that God has never forsaken me, even when I was envious, selfish, and doubting his love. In the midst of my confusing emotions, the smallest voice I heard, which I believe was the Holy Spirit, has led me to read the Bible, particularly David’s Psalm. It was Psalm 71, and the verses that caught my eyes were Psalm 71: 19-22 “You have sent me misery and hardships, but you will give me life again, you will pull me up again from the depths of the earth, prolong my old age, and once more comfort me.”

It was actually an old man’s prayer, but I somehow found it quite related to my life and comforting. I was mysteriously convinced that God would take care of my situations and help me overcome all those challenges again.

The power of faith which started from reading the Bible was quite astonishing. At the end of commotions deep inside me, I told myself, “I shouldn’t have been jealous in the first place.” I asked questions like, “Why shouldn’t I be happy when God gave blessings to others and when these blessings were specifically made for them, just as he did to me?”

I think Satan just took advantage of certain life circumstances to deceive me in making me believe that I was loved no more and that God paid attention to others more and that it wasn’t fair. I realized that sometimes, there is a period of temptations and they will make you wonder about your faith in God and His love for you. But when you look at the cross, you will see what God has given you because He loves you so much.

Life is always full of challenges and hardships, but it is also filled with miracles and blessings. So, whenever you have problems or difficult times while others are having fun, you should never be jealous or doubt God’s love. God has his timings, so what we can do on our own is to wait for God. And while we’re waiting, we should read the Bible to seek peace so that we won’t be swayed away by Satan.

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Johana Htwe is a Catholic writer from Myanmar. She is a volunteer assistant editor at the  Lifestyle and Relationship section of the DG Sentinel. Her work is forthcoming in the Upper Room magazine.

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