Ambivalence

by Terri Martin Wilkins

I lift my heart
In ambivalent praise.
Thrashing out an alleluia
From the voiceless weary deep.
Tenacious rejoicing
Uncompromising gratitude
Resolute devotion
Entangled with inconsolable ruin and wreckage.

This is who I am.

As only myself
I approach
      (boldly)
the mystery of bread and wine,
Again finding reassurance
              Comfort
              Solace
Outrageous grace to drench my parched past
              With compassion and delight.
	
But no answers.

I don’t know.
I don’t know.
I do not presume to know.
I may die of unknowing.

Still I lift up my ambivalent heart
With compelling praise,
And choose to trust 
              Although I cannot suppose the outcome.
I rise with thankfulness
Plagued by orphaned bereavement
Believing that grace is sufficient
That Your Wisdom is greater than my anxiety
That mercy triumphs over judgment.

Terri Martin Wilkins is a follower of Jesus Christ, often failing but always relying on grace. She writes to express lament, praise, and the often difficult struggle to trust God in all things. She has previously published works in the ‘Heart of Flesh Literary Journal.’

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