by Jireh Grace Pihoc

when I look back
through all the warmth I sought, 
my heart boxed open 
for all the taking, 
I ask
why I seem to never learn
how to love me. 
when I mixed white dove amongst the crows, 
I turned grey
as I worked to lead one back to the light, 
to later find I am not made 
for the company of the hidden dark, 
that seeks to gather a darkness
hidden inside of me, 
hidden in us all. 
My mind is led to rediscover
the path of truth
— Jesus loving my being
before it was even formed, 
that to this day through all its bleak
He does not stop to speak. 
how He is never one
who turns hot then cold or lukewarm
as with the loves which promised
never to hurt,
whose hurt I came to feel,
as with all the loves I only knew. 
He has been more jealous
than I was when He stripped my toys from me. 
bare in little joys basking in delight, 
His little girl I have now come to be. 
after much thought and talk, 
as I read His letters and say grace, 
He wipes away my weep and glum
that I may see and feel as I am—
a flower He watered from dusk til dawn, 
out of whom He loved much ache and yawn. 
how He collects all the dark
stuck in the faces of my moon
that I may ask Him to paint them bright
to lighten my memories anew
and once more make me pearly white. 
He takes my barren soil
and waters it with oil
to clear my head, make it wise
and lead me where I rise. 
how He turns words and art
into my own beauty
the more He lifts my hands to make. 
to His colours I stick and stare 
that my dreams take flight. 
He heats the cold the more I dare
and sighs my rest to steady my fight. 
how He stitches my heart's pieces
back into passions
that gave more than it lost. 
if only I surrender all, 
whole and holy
He will make me
as He will be my boast. 
if only I remember how He loves me
most of all,
then I shall not forget to love me, 
though I beat towards a fall. 

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Jireh Grace Pihoc is a Filipino poet and creative raised in Metro Manila. With a diverse background that includes roles as an architect, researcher, journalist, and creative writer, she has self-published six beautifully illustrated chapbooks of poetry and is an author in the  anthology To the Newspaper (Poets’ Choice, 2020). Her poetry has been published in Ekstasis. You can explore most of her published pieces here.